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Gay Peoples Chronicle

INNER-CITY LESBIANS

THE ECSTASY OF HOPE

By PATRICIA DUNCAN

As I was writing my article for the August issue I intended to do a follow-up article for this issue. However, what I have heard, seen, and felt during the past sixty days guided my thoughts toward the powerful human emotion of Hope. Perhaps the most pertinent issue facing many women today is their inability to feel the ecstasy of hope.

This ability to feel hope

fading rapidly, for a great many women, and for an even greater number is but a fading memory. With such we utter the

simplicity "I hope;" for most,

the words are spoken without emotion, often said as habit. The experience of hope and the unsurpassed pleasure that accompanies it àre foreign to far too many

women.

It is the frightening thought of some that hope has died eternally; others fear that hope lives only within their imagination. The numbing of this emotion by lack of personal growth. unending depression, and constant confusion is misinterpreted as its death. What most of these women fail to realize is that such a powerful emotion cannot die, but instead becomes buried beneath the surface of our conscious feelings.

For some, the chilling of hope creeps in slowly, overshadowing its victims and leaving them unaware of what is happening. Others are acutely aware of the gradual chill but feel helpless. How do they stop this? What can they do? To whom can they say, "I feel as though I am dying inside"; for to lose hope is to lose one's life.

During the past few weeks I have come to know a woman whose life since childhood has been overwhelmed by the terrors most of us have only imagined: a woman whose primary goal has been only to survive. Death, rejection, emptiness, and constant anguish were her only companions. Layers of fear, isolation, and depression continued to mount until hope was no longer a thought for even a memory.

Perceive, if you can, the effect on one human being of eighteen years of devastation. Imagine, for a while, that the woman I speak of is you.

At the age of 12, the love, security, and comfort she had known since birth were taken from her. Within seconds, without warning she passed from the joy of childhood into a frightening and unfamiliar world. A little girl watched as the blood and breath of life were torn from the family she loved. As her parents'

The hope that lay

was no one there who cared to protect her.

Fear and confusion manifested themselves deeper in the child, turning in time to numbness and isolation. Laughter, hoping, and the enjoyments of living were pushed aside, buried, in order to survive. The physical pain would be felt, there would be no stopping violating encounters, her body would be left unprotected; but her mind would close. No one would violate the refuge she would create within herself. Her ability

underneath the shattered pieces of her life was still alive, refusing to die.

final breath so did the their child.

slipped away innocence of

Her teenage years were spent without guidance, direction, or protection. No one took this child's hand and walked her toward adulthood. Confusion and loneliness escorted her through

adolescence.

The violent physical attacks of an alcoholic uncle combined with nights spent locked in a basement room had left her isolated, almost mesmerized.

Leaving her uncle's home, she tried again to believe

trust in others. Entering other homes, she would soon realize that the trust she gave so freely soon diminished and that her belief in others was in vain.

One foster parent, respected by friends, church, and community, entered her room every night and pursued his perverse desires on a helpless child. Each night as he closed and locked her door, so closed the hearts and minds of the other family members. How utterly helpless she felt, knowing there

ANDREW PETER BEEBE, PH.D.

PSYCHOLOGIST

2460 FAIRMOUNT BLVD.

SUITE 323

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS. OHIO 44106

to shut out the pain of others' demented pleasures grew stronger with each incident of molestation and rape. One thought would always remain with her: A child may not always appreciate and acknowledge your kindness, but will never forget your cruelty.

At the age of 15 a wounded and bewildered child welcomed her admission to a state mental institution, seeking refuge and healing. Her stay there was to be part of a healing process, a time to repair the damages of the previous three years. As days passed she began to wonder where the understanding, healing, and refuge were that she had sought when coming to this place. Each day found her reliving, alone, the anguish of the sexual and mental abuse she had suffered. Trust and confidence she had given to so many had been used to manipulate and abuse

her.

As days turned into weeks, a young body once strong and forceful was made weak. Her energy was drained. She sat

October 1986

motionless, staring out into cold and darkened mornings, regretfully realizing her thoughts, once constant and sure, were diminishing. Coherent thoughts were becoming more difficult, leaving her terrifyingly engulfed in confusion and helplessness. Her body had been captured so easily, but her mind fought to endure. She would salvage all that was possible, even if it was only remnants. There was no healing or comfort in this place.

Months after entering the institution, she stepped out into the chilling wind of a February morning, taking with her more anguish than when she had entered. A wall

of protective isolation had been completed, an unending determination for survival born. These had been acquired instincts would carry her through the years to follow.

She had never felt the beauties and wonders leading into adulthood. Buried deep within, among the rubble of tragedies, lay hope,, so deeply covered by the shattered pieces of her life that no conscious recollections of this emotion remained. Time was of no consequence. Months and years passed wihout anticipation. Through the years, the unresolved tragedies, still lived, deep within her. As time passed she became more aware that a part of herself, though unexplained, was missing. The disturbing realization that a vital piece of her whole self had been left in a place unknown kept her searching for many years, often feeling like a stranger to herself. Life continued as existence inside the mountainous walls of protective isolation.

Only to imagine the bewilderment of this woman is frightening. To have actually lived with it must have been How devastating. trapped she must have felt, living in constant confusion, emptiness, and isolation, her emotions limited to grief, remorse, and apprehension. The inner strength to survive this despondency was unparalleled, so awesome had her self control become.

and

As years passed, despite the overwhelming pain, a part of her, through small explained, still believed that love, caring, and kindness existed in a seemingly cruel and rigid

86

PRIVATE V.D. CLINIC

PRIVATE CARE AND COUNSELING FOR SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS

LESBIAN

GAY

VOTE

RONALD S. IMMERMAN, M.D.

(216) 229-4290

THE TOP OF CEDAR HILL BY APPOINTMENT ONLY

(216) 721-3119

HEIGHTS MEDICAL BUILDING 2460 FAIRMOUNT BLVD., SUITE 20 CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO 44106.